Grave Digger, Gold Digger - Sam and Joe Part II
by Mobius-Chan
Summary: Things heat up as Sam and Joe's rivalry intensifies, and a visit to a graveyard only makes things more complicated for Sam. Meanwhile, Joe has something up his sleeve to turn the tables in his relationship with Sonic.


Sam stared out the window of his mansion into the graveyard across the street, where his child was buried. Marriage with Knuckles was turning out to be less and less fulfilling for him. It had been months since Sam "accidentally" dropped Baby Ravioli down the basement staircase, and Knuckles still hadn't gotten over the incident.

But it wasn't Sam's fault. Parenting life just didn't suit him very well. He wanted action, and—in more than one way—Knuckles just wasn't giving it to him anymore.

The problems really started back when Joseph Birdsong kicked Sam and Knuckles into the guest mansion across the street. Sam's best friend wasn't really acting himself lately, and had taken to spending long hours rolling in the hundreds of golden rings his husband, Sonic, collected daily for him. And there was something about the way that Joseph stared at Knuckles, with a mixture of awe and hatred. For a long time, Sam just thought it was Joe's circle lenses catching the light, but now he knew better.

Joe wanted to steal Knuckles from him.

But Sam didn't truly care. As he stared off into the graveyard he remembered the first time he'd felt Baby Ravioli kick inside of him. He'd thought it was just diarrhea stewing.

Sam laughed and pulled away from the window, but movement in the graveyard across the street caught his eye. A figure, crouched over and clutching a shovel, was tottering from gravestone to gravestone. Sam was intrigued—sexually.

"What are you doing?" a voice from behind Sam said.

Sam spun to find Knuckles waiting there. The echidna had taken off his wedding ring. At this point, they were little more than roomies. "I think I'm gonna go for a walk," Sam said, patting the echidna on the head. "See you later."

"Don't forget, we have dinner tonight at Joe and Sonic's."

"Okay." Leaving their mansion, Sam made his way into the graveyard across the street, looking back and forth for the figure he'd seen earlier. Where was his mysterious grave keeper?

Then Sam spotted him, the strange, pale man had a hunchback. Sam didn't know why he was so drawn to the grave keeper, but something about the way he clumped along excited Sam. Maybe it was the slow determination. Maybe it was just that Sam was totally fucked up. Whatever it was, he was ready to let this monster ravage his body.

"Did you play the Song of Storms, because you're making me totally wet," Sam said, and the grave keeper spun around to look at him. Sam wasn't really sure if this pick-up line worked with his anatomy, but thought that if he said it confidently, it might work.

"You here for Dampé the Gravekeeper's Heart-Pounding Gravedigging Tour?"

"If the grave is my asshole and you're the one doing the pounding, then yes," Sam whispered playfully.

Dampé looked confused, so Sam walked up to the creature and took his hand. "Time to drop your tunic and let me see your Master Sword. I'm hotter than Din's Fire for you right now."

This for some reason made sense to the grave keeper, for he took Sam in his arms and they began to undress each other. As Dampé slipped a condom onto his throbbing deku stick, he paused. "Dampé is not sure you really want to do this," the old grave digger said.

"Shhh," Sam said, placing a finger to Dampé's lips. "You're sexy in your own way. What could possibly goron?"

A janky smile took over Dampé's face and he took Sam in his arms once again.

High atop his mansion, Joseph Birdsong watched through a pair of bedazzled binoculars as the ogre fucked Sam.

"What… the… fuck," Joe murmured, then snapped some pics with his camera. These would be fun to show everyone at dinner tonight. Joe had stored up enough rings. He was ready to cast Sonic aside and finally have Knuckles as his own.

Cackling, Joseph descended from the roof of his mansion and began to make dinner. He wanted to bake something that Knuckles would love, but he wasn't really sure what an echidna was, so he settled and just put a pizza in the oven.

"I have a surprise for you," Sonic said, entering the room.

Joe spun around, startled, and laughed. The blue hedgehog was still undeniably handsome. There was no question about that. But he had to admit, he wouldn't have stuck around if it hadn't been for the money.

"We'll need to set the table for one more guest tonight," Sonic said with a wink, and then he flashed out of the room, a cobalt blur.

Joe sighed. If only things could have worked out better…

Sam lay in Dampé's cold, lumpy arms until the sun began to set. Then he kissed his sleeping lover and left him behind the gravestone in order to join Knuckles at Joe and Sonic's mansion. When they sat down for dinner, a single place had been left unoccupied beside Joe.

It was strange, the new way that Joe was looking at Sam. There was a crazy glint in his best friend's eyes.

Knuckles took Sam's hand beneath the table and held it, brushing his metal glove against Sam's leg. For the first time in a long while, he felt something for the echidna, and when he turned to look in his husband's eyes, they shared a look that told him what they both had known for a long time—it was okay for their time together to be over.

Sam's heart beat fast and he shared a brief kiss with Knuckles.

Joe cleared his throat. He was more than slightly drunk at this point of the night and knew that the time for his dramatic confrontation had come. "I saw something interesting today. It seems that somebody that one of us knows and loves has been using a shovel creatively—" he started, but never finished that sentence. A knock on the door cut him off.

"We'll get it," Sonic said, getting up and leading Joseph away from the table.

"Goddammit," Joe whispered. He'd made a powerpoint for this, and now the moment was ruined. "What the hell do you want?"

Sonic shook his head and paused before opening the mansion door. "I've known for awhile now that I'm too fast. Y'know, in bed. So I called a friend of mine, and he agreed to join us for a little three-way action tonight."

Joe didn't know what to say as Sonic opened the door and Captain Falcon stepped inside. He was dressed in a pink skin-tight suit that was totes fetch, and which featured his nipples—and bulge—prominently. Joe hadn't been this turned on since he'd watched his Zac Efron Sim woo-hoo for the first time. He glanced down at Sonic, who stared back at him with a wry smirk on his face. Maybe things could work out between them, after all.

Later that night Dampé woke from behind a gravestone to the sound of "FALCON PUNCH" being screamed from Sonic's mansion.

The End


End file.
